Resting

Originally published Nov. 16, 2006 as Sick and Tired of Being Sick

Ok, I'm really over this. I'm tired of feeling crappy. It sucks. I finally went to the doctor who said, "It really doesn't matter what it is, I'm going to give you antibiotics." Words I wanted to hear. When you've been the proverbial "under the weather" for going on three weeks, it's time to throw medicine at it and move on.

Of course, I'm still feeling crappy, 'cause medicine isn't magic. It takes time to work. I mean, I'm taking it, following the directions, just like the label says. And you know what happens when you start taking antibiotics, right? The bacteria fight back initially so you actually feel worse for a while. I couldn't believe how quickly I felt worse, like 20 minutes later. And now, 29 and 1/2 hours later, I still feel bad. But I know it will get better if I just keep taking the meds and resting.

Resting. That's an interesting one. I never do that part well. I have a hard time trying to figure out if I need to just push through or if I need to go to bed when I'm sick. And if I give the resting part a try, I want it to work right away! But I'm finding this time that the resting has to be part of every day. I'm tired, get easily winded, and have to actually stop. What a crazy word. Stop. Like, you mean, don't go? Don't do anything? Wait? Rest?

So what's the life lesson from this one? I don't know. Maybe the very basic "I am powerless" lesson. Maybe the whole "rest" concept. Maybe something else. I feel too tired to wax eloquent or spiritual.

Actually, though, I have been remembering that God doesn't love me less because I'm not producing for Him right now. 'Cause I get hung up on that one, you know. Sometime in my life I learned this (erroneous) lesson that I was only worthy of love or respect if I was good for something, if I had a productive day, or did something worthwhile for others.

So when I'm exhausted and unable to do a whole lot, God reminds me that He loves me. Period. End of sentence. Not because I am "doing," but because I am His. For that, I'm very grateful. I need that reminder regularly. 'Cause I like doing. I like being who He made me to be, being productive, helping others, achieving things. And when I can't do those things, when I am reduced to simply "being," I can tend to feel worthless.

Maybe that's the lesson for me, right now. God loves me. And that's the essence of life. Not doing. Being. Resting in Him, knowing that He loves me when I come empty-handed. When I can't even think about loving Him, but can only receive His love for me. Receiving His love, resting in His care, letting Him soothe me when life feels crappy, remembering that there is hope because He is the God of Hope. Knowing that whatever tomorrow holds, He is there. And I am His. And that's enough.

I still feel crappy. I hope I feel better soon. I am glad that I'm not trying to earn God's love anymore, but learning to rest in His love.